Old ladies chatting

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Drive-in Cash Machines

Please pay attention to the instructions. Choose the instructions adapted for your gender.

Male

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Insert card.
3. Enter PIN code.
4. Enter sum.
5. Take card, money and receipt.
6. Drive away.

Female

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse until you can reach the machine.
3. Restart your engine.
4. Wind down your window.
5. Look for your bag, then empty it in the passenger seat and locate your card.
6. Apply make up while you're at it.
7. Attempt to insert card.
8. Open the car door to reach.
9. Insert card.
10. Flip the card and insert it.
11. Find your calendar in the passenger seat and read the PIN code.
12. Enter PIN code.
13. Press "Clear" and write the correct PIN code.
14. Enter sum.
15. Check your make up.
16. Take the money and receipt.
17. Find you wallet in the passenger seat and put the money in it.
18. Put the receit in your calendar.
19. Check make up.
20. Drive about 10 feet forward.
21. Reverse.
22. Take your card.
23. Put your card and everything else from the passenger seat in your bag.
24. Check your make up.
25. Restart your engine.
26. Drive away.
27. Release the hand brake.

Acceleration Issues

The wife came home after a long drive. Tired and rather pissed off. As Christmas was closing the conversation with her husband drifted into wishes and gifts.

- I want something that does zero to a hundred when I step on it, she said.
- And I want it to be blue! she added.

Being a good husband, and wanting to please his wife, he lovingly bought this.